Where is the switch?

I hate having so little control over what my brain will focus.  It's tiring, maddening, and frustrating.  Sometimes, it works.  If I am lucky, I'll have a bounded project with a definitive deadline and a clear sense of what needs to be done to get it all done.  If I am luckier still, circumstances will allow me to focus on it non-stop and without interruption.  At some point, the stars will align, and I'll be able to work on it to completion.  More often than not, interruptions are the rule rather than the exception, multiple projects and activities are the order of the day, and determining how to proceed is a project in and of itself.  Even when all is clear, the interruptions can stop progress in its tracks.  I live in fear and anxiety of such events when truly pressed by a deadline.  Down deep in my gut, I know that if I am forced to stop, give way to another task, my attention may be forever diverted never to be regained until some magic switch is reengaged.  I've yet to figure out how to make it come to heel.

When I was able to take Ritalin, things were better.  Not great, but better.  I didn't quite have the ability to choose where to put my attention the way I want, but I was better able to put aside the self-distractions and regain my attention if diverted by outside stimuli.  It reduced the stress and anxiety, making me calmer and, according to my husband, much more pleasant to come home to.  I take Adderall now, but it doesn't work nearly as well ... or really all that well at all.  At times, it makes me want to cry when I can't get done those things that I want.

Where is the switch?  How do I turn it on?

And what I had intended to say ...

So, the way my month has been going, things have been flitting out of my brain as quickly as they flit into my brain.  This has been troublesome as I cannot remember anything. 

What I wanted to post about but didn't and then decided it was worthy of noting that circumstance in a post of its own was a quote in the new book I just bought First Draft in 30 Days.  The author Karen S. Wiesner suggests in chapter one:

"Sometimes the only way to exorcise a particular story is to write down all the notes that come to me until I'm stalled or temporarily free of it.  These go into the appropriate project folder.  The story is then returned to the percolator, and I get back to my [Work in Progress]."

That's it exactly ... sort of.  When a thought is in my head is stays in my head and takes over until I am able to spew it forth. ... Unfortunately, after such purge, it is often gone forever never to be retrieved.

So much has been happening ...

Rather than saying, "so much," I should probably say, "too much."  Summer's here, IEP season has come and gone, and I am scrambling to pull things together for the summer.  My ADHD is causing me fits, between my Adderall dosage not working and my allergy nightmare, and that doesn't help.  I cannot seem to concentrate on anything, and what I can concentrate on takes my focus away for hours upon hours to little effect.

I know scads about anaphylaxis, milk allergies, histamine, mast cells, gastrointestinal disorders related to allergy, elimination diets, and gut-friendly diets.  I may be a near-expert in executive function problems, developing learning objectives, and the comorbidity effects of reading, writing, and spelling LD with ADHD on learning.  I have a passing knowledge of IEPs and modified instruction techniques for the previous.  I am no better about organization, prioritization, and getting things started, but I've read enough to believe that the "experts" don't know much.  I have task lists galore, projects I want to start, projects I may never finish, and piles accusing me everywhere. I have books I want to write, papers I need to write, and a blog begging me to fill.  And in all that, I still have to get my job done, and most days, I can't even begin to know where to start.  Prioritization is a joke.

I've been helping the boys learn to brainstorm by way of developing a reward system to help them with completing their daily list of routine responsibilities.  I am testing them to see where they are in their math ... one is not where I think he should be, which is somewhat disturbing as it is a matter of instruction mostly.

Oh, the thinks we can think ... if only I could think them one at a time instead of all at once or obsessively.

Habit, impulse, and poor memory

It's IEP season again, and I've been dealing with the inevitable frustrations associated with that process.  I've been posting the rants and raves associated with that process on my Facebook page.  I need to stop doing that:

• My friends really don't want to be assaulted by this, so I should respect that.
• What's the point of creating this blog page, if I don't use it as intended?

Planning on moving my rants over here and using this page in the future.  One day, I may even collect my resources and build it out like I am doing my tae kwon do pages.  Of course, that will require the appropriate obsession.