Tired ...

I've been feeling tired and overwhelmed lately, but mostly tired.  There are all sorts of stresses lately, which I'll keep to myself.  No doubt, these aren't helping the situation.  Still, my son's ADHD and LD needs wipe out any energy reserves I may have.  I probably spend 20 hours a week reading, writing, responding to emails; helping and following up on assignments: homework and classwork; and generally ensuring that my son stays on task.  It's hard enough keeping up with my own tasks; keeping up with his is more than I can bear, anymore.  Rather, it's the follow-through for those tasks that causes the most difficulty.

I got two emails home today.  One was in follow-up to a concern I had.  The other was a teachers' concern.  Taking the second first, my son has apparently been engaging in self-stimulation behavior that not only prevents him from doing his schoolwork but also is affecting his classmates.  The teachers want me to address this with him.  I sent an email to his Occupational Therapist.  Really, I am not in the classroom.  Just what exactly do they expect me to do to deal with this neurologically based need?! It makes me want to scream.  The teachers clearly are not qualified nor have the training to deal with ADHD in the classroom.

The first email asked me why I spent 30 minutes looking for answers in the textbook that the teacher had given me in an email.  I hardly even know how to respond to that one.  ... Hmm, because I wanted him to understand how to find the information and read it for himself rather than just giving it to him. ... I guess that such an idea is novel to these teachers.  I don't get it.

How in the world can I educate my son's teachers about ADHD when they (1) don't want to learn about it, (2) take offense when told about it from me, a "non-expert", and (3) refuse to take the actions shown to be helpful, in the first place.  No win, and the mom's to blame. 

I wonder, what do I do?  Do I let him fail?  What are my recourses when the actions taken in the school are so minimalist?

I no longer know how to help him. Waiting on a psych referral so we can adjust his meds and get him into so behavior training, which will be another drain on my time, energy, and pocketbook.

It's not that I find it boring ...

I think that I am getting tired of hearing ADHD described as "have trouble doing tasks that you find boring."  That just isn't right.  It misses somehow. 

Boring: causing boredom
Boredom: the state of being weary and restless through lack of interest

Don't get me wrong.  I hate being bored.  It's just that this description feels like it almost is mixing up cause and effect.  A better description that isn't as nice of a sound bite goes like this:

Tasks that are insufficiently rewarding or that have delayed rewards are incredibly difficult to start, stay focused on, and complete. 

Rewarding: giving you a good feeling that you have done something valuable, important, etc.

See the difference?  It's not that the tasks are boring; it's that they are not rewarding.  Our brains are wired to receive rewards through interest; but it's the lack of rewards that is the problem.  Or maybe, it's because "lack of interest" has the connotation of "doesn't care" when it truly is lack of interest.  Is anyone really interested in folding laundry or filling out forms?

Interest:  5a :  a feeling that accompanies or causes special attention to an object or class of objects :  concern  b :  something that arouses such attention  c :  a quality in a thing arousing interest

I don't know.  I don't find forms "boring." I find them fantastically and exceedingly difficult to the point that I have trouble reading and making sense of them.  And while, doing the laundry is boring, that isn't why that task is difficult to finish per se.  Truth is, I will start it and stop in the middle for no discernible  reason and never even notice that I did so.  And putting something in the mail ... well, I contend that this is a near impossible task and am amazed that anyone at all is able to do so with regularity.  My sister tells me that this task is easy, but I am pretty sure that she is having a joke at my expense.  I mean, really!?  No one could possibly find that task easy.

Well, I've got to go.  I am well-overbooked today.  Wish I had time to clean up the format of this thing, but I don't.  Maybe another day.  Just so you know, it's driving me crazy!

I am ADHD ....

I am ADHD.  Sometimes, I think that I will develop my very own 12-step program around this statement.  Between that and the Serenity Prayer, it may be enough.  School has started again, and with it, so has all of the IEP madness.  That's Individualized Educational Plan.  It seems that education is designed to be cookie cutter unless you have a special plan to make it otherwise, and there are all sorts of hoops you have to jump through and magic phrases you have to say to make it so.  Even then, the plan isn't actually a plan, nor is it really even followed.  At times, I am not sure it is even looked at.  All the evidence of my experience suggests that it isn't understood.  Not really.  Not even by the special education specialists that I've had to deal with.  Now don't get me wrong.  I personally know three special education specialists.  I went to college with them, and they are fine women.  Every interaction that I've had with them since entering this special education minefield convinces me that they care and truly understand their field.  Perhaps, that is what makes this path so difficult.  I can't help but project the same competence and caring to my son's teachers, and yet the results are so drastically below my lowest and most minimal expectations.  Perhaps, it is because he is thrice gifted.

Thrice-gifted is what I call it.  He has multiple learning disabilities in reading, writing, and spelling.  You could call it dyslexia, but that term is more obscuring than it is enlightening.  Folks generally jump to, "Oh, you mix up letters."  Then, they think of all the mixed up message-memes they've seen on Facebook and think it is no big deal.  Well, first, dyslexia is much more than jumbled letters in the word nor does it always present so.  Second, the troubles presented by it can affect every aspect of the use of written language.  With my son's teachers, it is all made worse by the fact that they see him as a good reader since he has very good comprehension.  Again, those things aren't necessarily related and actually reflect good compensation skills more than anything else.  The trick in the assessment is in the details.

Of course, he is also ADHD ... the name of the blog, you know.  He presents as the combined type: day-dreamy (i.e., inattentive) and hyperactive.  He has planning and organization difficulties (i.e., executive function deficits) as well as working memory problems and processing delays.  The former affects every aspect of learning from solving a math problem to writing an essay, which is only made worse by the learning disability.  Problems with turning in assignments and homework, keeping a notebook, and the like should be obvious, but aren't.  The latter affects sequential and step-wise problem solving, following directions, recall, and recognizing and following cues.   Impulsivity, hyperactivity, and attention issues don't help any of these things either.  Not obvious from all of the labels I just shot out is the problem of interpretation.  My boy is concrete and literal.  Not sure if it is related to the LD or the ADHD or just to the brain-development stage, which is on-average three years delayed in children with ADHD, but he needs things explicitly and clearly explained, preferably with a modeled example, followed by a lead example.  Of course, this is also best practices for teaching in general and for teaching ADHD children in particular.  From what I can tell, such is never done.  If it is, it isn't done in a way that cues my son to pay attention to it.

Lastly, my son is gifted.  He's in Honors classes this year.  I am hoping it will spark more of his interest with just enough adrenaline to keep him moving.  The adrenaline spark is an important one to keep those of us with ADHD moving.  Apparently, it has to do with too few dopamine and some other receptors I can't recall the name of now as well as fewer pathways, or some such neurological science.  At any rate, it requires more to arouse the ADHD brain and the reward pathways don't work as well.  Adrenaline helps, this much I know.  There's nothing like a looming deadline or a challenge to spark interest.

Of course, all this makes my son present as the poster-child for the gifted ADHD male student.  He's well behaved, well spoken, and smart.  He doesn't turn in any of his work and, therefore, must be lazy.  "If only he would try harder."  He's trying harder.  We are all trying harder.  Now, could you please just help me and help him know what his assignments are, when the are due, and what the instructions are to complete it?  I'll make sure he gets it done and it gets to school.  If you could also help him to remember to turn it in, I'd appreciate it.  I cannot divine the information.  I've tried and my divination powers are all tapped out.

Sigh ... He's turned in no work for his Social Studies class, yet, and no answer to the note I sent to school.  So much for "faded support to help him with organization."  Hah!  Do they not cover any of this in teaching school?

Wish me luck.  I may need it.

Kids and their math ...

So after a bit of home testing, I am dismayed at the gaps in math both my boys have, primarily in word problems, fractions, and percentages.  The bad habits instilled by doing thousands of worksheets have also come home to roost. <sigh> Fortunately, while time to cover the gap-material will be a problem, both boys should pick up on the missing concepts pretty quickly. 

I've also discovered that on his meds, my son has about a 20 minute attention span, give or take 10 minutes.  Off his meds, ... he can't stay focused for five minutes without interrupting himself ... seriously.  Soon, I will start timing it and taking data - maybe, build some graphs and pie charts. ...

On the plus side, my son does much better when allowed (read made) to verbalize his thinking process.  It is a short step from there to model and guide HOW to write down his work.  Oy vey, Mrs. Lonce, my fourth grade math teacher, would spin to see what my kids have been allowed to get away with in showing their work.  Ms. Reilly (?) my 7th/8th grade math teacher, wouldn't bother to give them credit.

Captured my imagination ... and all of my attention

So much to cover and my brain is bouncing around something fierce.  Hmmm ...

First, the Adderall didn't work.  Not only didn't it work, I had more side effects than I was even really aware.  While, I've been logging most everything because I've been tracking my allergies, some of the side effects were there but not "worth" logging.  Here they go: 

• Common side effects: Upper Abdominal Pain (like the later stages of labor), Chronic Trouble Sleeping, Loss of Appetite, Feel Like Throwing Up, Nervous. Infrequent side effects: Feeling Restless, Hives, Rash, Trouble Breathing, Anxious, Dry Mouth, Drowsiness, Dizzy, Low Energy, Head Pain, Fast Heartbeat, Heart Throbbing or Pounding, Altered Interest in Having Sexual Intercourse. 
• Rare side effects: High Blood Pressure – not high but definitely higher, Feeling Faint, Chest Pain – not exactly, more like a tight chest, Disturbance in the Ability of the Eye to Focus – more like a delay, Feeling Unhappy or Unwell – if you felt like crap, you would too. 
• Not on the list unless I missed it: Throat tightness.

Second, I am captivated by the idea of starting my own advocacy business and translating that into a larger platform.  Can't really share more right now, but it occupies most of my waking and sleeping thoughts in one way or another.

I guess I wanted to talk about the second, but then decided not to ... for now.

Motivation

A good friend asked her Facebook crew today, "what motivates us."  It's a good question, worthy of considered thought.  What motivates me?

When I was young, I was motivated by the "applause" – the rousing, enthusiastic, "Job well done!" I craved it like some children crave sweets.  It was for the hope of it that I worked so hard to do so well in school.  To some degree, I still desire it.  I craft it in terms of demonstrating value or making a difference, but in truth, I want that value, that difference, to be acknowledged and recognized.  In many ways, it reflects a misplaced need to have my mommy love me.  She does in her own way, but there you have it.  Knowledge isn't the same as its realization.

I've been struggling with this more in my midlife.  Things never quite turn out the way you expected.  Divorce, career changes, children, ... the economy ... All throw you curve balls, ... sliders ... pitches off-speed.  You have to make adjustments.

Adjustments, you make adjustments.  ... There's nothing wrong with me that money can't cure. But, I don't want to be somebody's else's learning experience.  Some rich kid's way to spend his allowance. ... I want some magic in my real world.  Some modern voodoo to make it work.

"Johnny Tomorrow", The Waitresses

 

Toward the tail end of my first marriage, I went back to school in a vain attempt to capture my childhood motivational carrot.  In the years since, I've been motivated by circumstance.  First it was Recover; Pay the Bills & Keep Food on the Table. 

 

Then, or concurrently, I needed to help my son get the educational help he needed for his ADHD and LD.  That could be classified as motivated to FIGHT.  I often feel like I am mamma bear protecting her cubs, doing whatever is required in the process. It certainly has required more perseverance than I ever thought I had or could even conjure up – voodoo of a sort, I suppose.

If that weren't enough, I've been motivated to figure out what's going on with my health.  I am in the best shape I've ever been in over the course of my whole adult life, and yet, I feel lousy.  I may have it on the run, finally.  ADHD meds have been changed (if I can ever find someone to fill it and convince the insurance company to cover it – more perseverance required), and I have an appointment with the allergist next week.  Here, I guess I am motivated by FIGHT also.  I hate feeling bad and refuse to accept it as a given.  I WILL feel better.

Still and all, each of these has been exhausting.  They take from the tank rather than feed it, without the applause of a job well done at the end.  So, I've been looking for more.  What motivates me?  How do I maintain persistence? What fills me with passion and drives me to jump out of bed in the morning?  So, I've been wondering upon this same question my friend asked.

Education:  Now, that will cause me to hunt for my soapbox.  How do we bridge the gap between good instructional design and learning objectives to evidence based practices, like structured educational approaches that would benefit LD and non-LD students alike, without forcing a moronic, worksheet based curricula that walks through those objectives linearly.  I can't say it loudly enough:  MORONIC.  Our educational system is completely broken.  Nobody benefits, no one likes it, and everyone suffers.  I don't get it.

Healthcare:  Same tune different lyrics.  There is a complete gap between health, wellness, and medical treatment.  Ailments are viewed as pathology and as a symptom (you're lucky if you are viewed as a set of symptoms) to be treated with the latest and greatest drug.  There is no emphasis on well-being supported by diet and exercise.  Doctors aren't trained this way, and medical research isn't funded this way.  ABSURD.  Worse, from all my reading of late in my hunt for my own well-being, as I did my own differential diagnosis and from the conferences I've gone to where doctors have spoken themselves on the topic, the training doctors have on basic knowledge like recognizing and treating anaphylaxis is woefully lacking (this isn't the best article I've read on the subject but it is one I could find quickly:  Paramedics Often Fail to Give Epinephrine for Anaphylaxis). Something needs to change, although, the market may not allow it to.  Who wants to give up their favorite foods or TV show?

I guess I am motivated to make a difference, but I have to see results and have someone acknowledge their worth.  I am working to have that motivation be a little more internalized, both for myself and as part of the help I am giving to my son.

Long answer to a short question.  Not sure, yet, if I am satisfied by the answer.

Where is the switch?

I hate having so little control over what my brain will focus.  It's tiring, maddening, and frustrating.  Sometimes, it works.  If I am lucky, I'll have a bounded project with a definitive deadline and a clear sense of what needs to be done to get it all done.  If I am luckier still, circumstances will allow me to focus on it non-stop and without interruption.  At some point, the stars will align, and I'll be able to work on it to completion.  More often than not, interruptions are the rule rather than the exception, multiple projects and activities are the order of the day, and determining how to proceed is a project in and of itself.  Even when all is clear, the interruptions can stop progress in its tracks.  I live in fear and anxiety of such events when truly pressed by a deadline.  Down deep in my gut, I know that if I am forced to stop, give way to another task, my attention may be forever diverted never to be regained until some magic switch is reengaged.  I've yet to figure out how to make it come to heel.

When I was able to take Ritalin, things were better.  Not great, but better.  I didn't quite have the ability to choose where to put my attention the way I want, but I was better able to put aside the self-distractions and regain my attention if diverted by outside stimuli.  It reduced the stress and anxiety, making me calmer and, according to my husband, much more pleasant to come home to.  I take Adderall now, but it doesn't work nearly as well ... or really all that well at all.  At times, it makes me want to cry when I can't get done those things that I want.

Where is the switch?  How do I turn it on?

And what I had intended to say ...

So, the way my month has been going, things have been flitting out of my brain as quickly as they flit into my brain.  This has been troublesome as I cannot remember anything. 

What I wanted to post about but didn't and then decided it was worthy of noting that circumstance in a post of its own was a quote in the new book I just bought First Draft in 30 Days.  The author Karen S. Wiesner suggests in chapter one:

"Sometimes the only way to exorcise a particular story is to write down all the notes that come to me until I'm stalled or temporarily free of it.  These go into the appropriate project folder.  The story is then returned to the percolator, and I get back to my [Work in Progress]."

That's it exactly ... sort of.  When a thought is in my head is stays in my head and takes over until I am able to spew it forth. ... Unfortunately, after such purge, it is often gone forever never to be retrieved.

So much has been happening ...

Rather than saying, "so much," I should probably say, "too much."  Summer's here, IEP season has come and gone, and I am scrambling to pull things together for the summer.  My ADHD is causing me fits, between my Adderall dosage not working and my allergy nightmare, and that doesn't help.  I cannot seem to concentrate on anything, and what I can concentrate on takes my focus away for hours upon hours to little effect.

I know scads about anaphylaxis, milk allergies, histamine, mast cells, gastrointestinal disorders related to allergy, elimination diets, and gut-friendly diets.  I may be a near-expert in executive function problems, developing learning objectives, and the comorbidity effects of reading, writing, and spelling LD with ADHD on learning.  I have a passing knowledge of IEPs and modified instruction techniques for the previous.  I am no better about organization, prioritization, and getting things started, but I've read enough to believe that the "experts" don't know much.  I have task lists galore, projects I want to start, projects I may never finish, and piles accusing me everywhere. I have books I want to write, papers I need to write, and a blog begging me to fill.  And in all that, I still have to get my job done, and most days, I can't even begin to know where to start.  Prioritization is a joke.

I've been helping the boys learn to brainstorm by way of developing a reward system to help them with completing their daily list of routine responsibilities.  I am testing them to see where they are in their math ... one is not where I think he should be, which is somewhat disturbing as it is a matter of instruction mostly.

Oh, the thinks we can think ... if only I could think them one at a time instead of all at once or obsessively.

Habit, impulse, and poor memory

It's IEP season again, and I've been dealing with the inevitable frustrations associated with that process.  I've been posting the rants and raves associated with that process on my Facebook page.  I need to stop doing that:

• My friends really don't want to be assaulted by this, so I should respect that.
• What's the point of creating this blog page, if I don't use it as intended?

Planning on moving my rants over here and using this page in the future.  One day, I may even collect my resources and build it out like I am doing my tae kwon do pages.  Of course, that will require the appropriate obsession.

Performance versus tenure

I heard something the other day from a Middle School teacher that has stuck with me.  She was talking about the current budget environment and recent firings of teachers as a consequence.  Her comment was that she's been in the system long enough that there are plenty of teacher's newer than her so that her job is safe enough ... or something to that effect.  This bothers me. 

In most jobs, your ability to remain in your job has everything to do with your performance, very little, if anything to do with time-on-the-job.  Truly, in my profession, you may be more likely to get fired in times of tight budgets if you've been around a long time, if only because your "cost" is too high; this, sometimes, is irrespective of the value you bring, in more schizophrenic organizations.  The only time I can think of where short-tenure means less stability is when an employee is completely on overhead.  Even then, if he or she can produce, tenure means nothing. 

I'd never been smacked in the face with the question of tenure versus performance in the schools before.  The discussions have always been hypothetical.  My sympathies have more often than not been with the teachers, knowing many and not trusting most administrators.  Still, there can be positive results when a person has to prove himself everyday at his job; when you are only as good as your last success.  There is the question of measurement, though.  How can you tell?  It's easy to pick measurement criteria that results in undesirable behavior.  It's much harder to devised good measurements.  I won't get on any soapboxes today – no time.  It seems as though the whole system is broken. 

I do wonder, though, and I've been thinking.  Long and hard.  These thoughts very well might lead to actions.  What kind, I've yet to decide.

Oh, the thinks you can think! – Dr. Seuss: a reprise

My post from Wednesday, April 3, 2013 belongs here, but here didn't exist yet.